Real life experience of refuge...

When individuals need to leave a dangerous and abusive situation for their safety, often the only option given to them is refuge, it’s also a topic people are often interested in so, I thought my personal experience of one might be one for the blog!

When I left my perpetrator, I was pretty much told straight away that I should go to refuge, my response? Absolutely not. Why should I give up my home, my business, my friends and family, the town I had grown up in? And why should my children have to leave their home, their schools and their friends? It seemed so unfair, and I was stubborn. After 3 months of having to live next door to said perp after multiple convictions, a non-molestation order and constant torture, it got to a point where I could not stay any longer, it really wasn’t safe, and I reluctantly agreed to leave it all behind.

My IDVA referred me, and I stayed with a family member until a space became available. After roughly 4/5 days I was assessed and was offered spaces in 2 separate locations. The assessment was quite invasive, I’m not sure if this is the case everywhere but unfortunately there are so many individuals who need refuge that it is often ranked by whoever is in the most danger at that present time. Savage yes. I was given a date to arrive which I believe was 2 or 3 days later and was called on the morning of said day and given the address (I was only given the town before; refuges are kept incredibly secret).

Also, no pets allowed in refuge. Fortunately, I was able to rehome some of my pets and had a very special person look after our beloved Stella whilst we were there, She came back to us when we were housed. Rest in peace our stell bells!!!

When we arrived, the staff helped take our bags in and showed us around, we were super lucky and were given the biggest room in the house! It had a single bed and bunk beds, a fridge, table and wardrobes. The house was a big building, with staff on the ground floor and residents on the 1st/2nd, we were on the 2nd floor and there was no lift. Carrying in the food shop was an absolute killer!! We shared a kitchen with 4 other families (nightmare at dinner time with only 2 ovens) and a bathroom with 1 other family. There was a living room on the 1st floor, garden/playroom on the ground floor.

There were 2 doors to get through each with separate codes and we had to sign in and out. The building was fitted with an intruder alarm too, which the kids often set off once the staff left. A piercing alarm that went on for 20 minutes, honestly, you’ve never heard something so DAMN loud in your whole life and we had no way of turning it off. Once it went off and all kids were adamant it wasn’t them you should have seen us patrolling around the house. Genuinely if someone had gotten in, they would’ve been in for it with 10 angry women!

There were gift bags in our rooms, this contained new bedding, toiletries, and toys for the kids. We were shown the food cupboard/toiletry cupboard where we could take a set number of items per week if needed, the clothes store and the kids were also given a special handmade blanket. All these things came from donations and volunteers. I just remember feeling so overwhelmed with the kindness of people and I still feel it now writing this.

We were introduced to the other mums and kids, all of whom were pretty much loving life running around this huge house together, though they were more like siblings and literally argued half the time which was never enjoyable for us mums! I met some amazing and inspiring women, and some interesting characters. There was always a drama but nonetheless we were a little community, one I actually do miss.

I gotta be honest and say it was not easy at all.

You’d do the school run and basically have nothing all to do. I will say it was probably the most depressing time of my life. For most of us we found ourselves living in a new area where we didn’t know anyone. If you were employed whilst living there you had to pay rent, to which I would say it was comparable with privately rented accommodation. We had no idea how long we would be there for or if we would even remain in that area either so practically or financially it wasn’t worth us seeking employment. I remember absolutely crying my eyes out in the job centre because I didn’t want to be claiming benefits, I had my own business! But everyone was so kind.

It was also difficult to remain hidden, we weren’t allowed to give the address to ANYONE. No visits, no deliveries and no take aways.

Mealtimes were hard, if you weren’t quick enough into the kitchen you had to wait your turn. People came and went but on average there were 5 women and 5-8 children on one floor at a time. You literally had no space to breathe. There was a tv in the living room, but the 1st floor wasn’t the most sought-after floor, so we didn’t really venture there unless necessary. Though we did risk it to watch love island! We had a set cleaning rota and everyday one mum had to do the chores for their floor, though everyone was responsible for cleaning up after themselves too. I enjoyed my cleaning day (except hoovering the stairs from ground floor up, that was a killer) as it gave me something to do.

Saturday mornings looked like kids bursting in your room, not fun.

People stealing your food or toilet roll, not fun.

Lugging your food shop up the road and 2 flights of stairs, not fun.

Wanting to do washing but all machines taken, not fun.

Arguments and drama between mums and kids, not fun.

Trying to take a poo with 10 kids outside the door going “BRRYYYOOOONY, what ya doin in there???” also, not fun.

However, there were so many good times. Day trips out, little family floor dinners, arts & craft sessions, Halloween/Christmas/birthday parties. The generosity of those who regularly donated especially at Christmas restored my faith in humanity, I cannot express how much those simple acts of kindness mean to people in vulnerable position’s. I was quite lucky when we went in that I had been able to take some of our possessions with us and I had supportive family/friends, but many literally came in with nothing and they had no one around them. I remember a woman once came in on a Friday and over the weekend she had to ask us other mums for sanitary items because she literally had nothing.

You realise that you really don’t need much in life and genuinely, it will always be the most humbling 8 months of my life that I will never forget.

The experience of refuge made me aware of how prevalent domestic abuse is, when I left my perpetrator, I didn’t know I had been abused and to be honest, I didn’t know much about it either. Refuge was just one part of my journey that really highlighted how frighteningly common it is. It also highlighted on how much the victim must sacrifice in order to be free, we had all been through so much and had given up so much, yet here we were homeless without a pot to piss in.

For some, this was not their first experience in a refuge either, many of us were fighting in family/criminal courts too. One woman had been there for a year because her husband kept her visa documents, so she had nothing to prove her identity and be housed. One woman had to leave 2 weeks after arriving because her ex-partner found her there. Pretty much all of us were battling post-separation abuse too. This is happening to so many every single day.

The staff were so incredibly supportive and kind, and if any of them were ever to read this know that I am forever grateful. And thank you to the mums that made the journey just that little bit easier. After time and reflection, it was a really positive experience for me, although it was incredibly hard, it gave me the opportunity to start a new life and the safe space I needed to begin my journey of healing.

To those out there who are contemplating refuge, it isn’t as bad as you think. It’s a chance to start a fresh and be safe. I know how difficult a decision it is but nothing is worth staying for.

Song for every blog...

'Scared' by Jeremy Tucker

Oooh, don't be scared

I'm right here

And what is fear

When no one knows

What comes next?

So, yeah, I'm scared

But I won't let it get to me

Until next time x