Life After Stories...

Welcome to the first of the Life After victim/survivor stories. I'd like to thank this individual for so beautifully sharing their story in a bid to inspire and empower others.

When and how did the abuse start? 

It's difficult to say when it started as it took so long for me to realise that I was in an abusive relationship. Once I realised, I could see there were signs right from the beginning. From the first time we met the relationship moved very quickly and he was keen to see me very often. I just thought he 'really liked me' at the time.

His first rage was around 6 months into the relationship. We were in a hotel room, and he dragged me across the room by my jacket (which ripped) then, when I was sat on the bed he threw a large makeup box above my head. He apologised after saying ‘he was scared he was going to lose me and said he wouldn't do it again.' Which I believed.

Who the perpetrator was to you? How were they towards you in the beginning and how did the abuse start? 

He was a partner. I was 23/24 when we met, and he was 28. He was very quick to move in and seemed like the perfect man! He fixed everything and came in like a knight in shining armour. Signs were there when he started to cause problems with my friends and didn't like me going out without him. He would constantly text me and suggest I had 'pulled' if I didn't reply instantly. I had a very close friend who tried to warn me as she had been in an abusive relationship in the past and could see the signs. He made a comment about her saying she fancied him. He made sure the friendship between us ended.

How was it living through it? How it made you feel?

Things were good most of the time for the first 2 years. Then we got married and I became pregnant, I would say that’s when things started going really wrong. He wasn’t so nice to my son anymore and by the end he couldn’t even breath without being told off. If my son made noises when he ate, he would scowl at him across the table like he wanted to kill him. He screamed and shouted at me every day. My mum actually made a comment to me I still remember 'I’ve never known somebody love someone so much but hate everything about them' that’s what it was like. He was obsessed with me, but I couldn’t do anything right. He would often say 'if you do this then I’ll be happy, I’ll be the man I was at the beginning' so I would do those things, and the goal post would continue to move. Truth was he was never going to be the man at the beginning because he was never that man to begin with.

The last goal was to get me to move away to Scotland. He said if we move to Scotland everything will be better. I planned to do this as I believed it would make him happy. My life and happiness revolved around making him happy and whether I was happy or not didn’t matter. I just had to pretend I was happy. I slowly without realising became a shell of myself. I walked with my head down and found myself very cautious of other people as I believed he was the only person I could trust, and other people were the enemies. I believed it would be impossible to live without him. I wasn't capable of making any decisions for myself due to him making me believe I couldn't.

When I was around 7 months pregnant, he was screaming at my son. This was the only time I tried to stand up to him and he slapped me across the face. So hard my mouth was bleeding. Shortly after he said 'is the baby ok' nothing about this was mentioned again. Things continued as they were and got even worse after my daughter ava was born. She then became a tool to stop me seeing family and friends. He would find silly reason for them to not be allowed to look after her or see her which kept us isolated. He started seeing a therapist which made things even worse. He would come home after and say there we're various things I could be doing to make him better which I believed as the therapist had said them at the time. But I very much doubt the therapist had said those things. When my daughter was 9months old I'd put her to bed, and I noticed he was in a strange mood all evening. He was scowling at me for no reason, but I just carried on as normal. He started another conversation about his therapy sessions and then suggested we continued talking in the bedroom. He then started to get angry calling me names and said 'you'll never find anyone who will love you like I do' 'I replied I think I will' meaning the way he was treating me wasn't love. He then started punching me. Climbed on top of me and held me down by my throat while he pushed a pillow into my face. My daughter woke up screaming. He then stopped and paced the room telling me to get in the other room. I was terrified and believed he was going to kill me that evening. This went on until early hours of the evening. I waited until he fell asleep the got out the house with my children. It was a very dark time. Like living a real-life horror film.

After this happened, I stayed in a place with the children where he couldn’t find me. When he realised, he searched for me all night. He then called the police to report me missing. They found me and saw the bruises on my face and asked me to give a statement at the police station. Whilst living at this anonymous address I remember sleeping so much from the months of exhaustion. I had been a robot for months. The social services and health visitor got involved after this and the health visitor said to me later 'when we arrived you didn't understand why we were there' it still took a long time to realise I was in an abusive relationship.

What was your breaking point for leaving and when did you realise it was abuse?

I attended a freedom programme and had 3 different dash workers. I did drop the charges of this assault as I believed he wasn’t well and was going to get better. He was sectioned for 3 months and said he was now getting the help he needed to get better. Truth was he was never going to get better, and it took me another couple of years to realise after going back and forth. Ever since that last incident I was more scared of him than ever as I believed he was capable of killing me. I often had panic attacks. I believe he enjoyed terrifying me. I said to him once 'it's too much of a risk being in a relationship with him as he could kill me one day' his response was ' it’s risky for me too as I could spend the rest of my life in prison' I wasn't sure how I was ever going to be free of him as he managed to manipulate anyone  and everyone including police, social services exc.

What helped you to manage your trauma after leaving? What support did you have, if any?  I had therapy and no contact with him was the only way. It got easier but I believe I suffered with PTSD after. I was moved to another address and often imagined he'd find me and break in.

How is your life after abuse? How has it shaped you as a person? What positives have you been able to take from it? I never imagined my life would be what it is now. I’ve met someone who treats me how I deserve to be treated, and it's taken me until now to believe it. I haven't had any contact with my abusive ex for 5 years now. I'm a completely different person to what I was 5 years ago. I struggle now to believe I was in the situation I was. I believe it has made me stronger.

What's one piece of advice you'd give to someone experiencing abuse right now? Leaving is hard! It's seems impossible! But being in a relationship with an abuser is harder! You might think you'll never be free but be strong and you will be free. Life doesn't have to be darkness. They don't change and they never will. I spent years living in fight or flight mode and having panic attacks and anxiety. I don't live like this anymore. You do deserve to be free and be happy.

Song for every blog ...

This weeks is 'Movin on up' by M people (yes aware I may be showing my age but it's a classic!)

'Cause I'm movin' on up, you're movin' on out

Movin' on up, nothin' can stop me

Movin' on up, you're movin' on out

Time to break free, nothin' can stop me, yeah

Until next time x