Post-separation abuse

When a normal relationship of any kind ends, it is difficult for both parties, but there should always be a level of respect for each other’s wishes. However, when a toxic and abusive relationship ends, there is not. Often, the abuse does not stop; it just continues in a different way. Some are the lucky ones and are left alone, but for many, leaving an abusive situation only means they achieve some physical space from it.

So what is post-separation abuse?

Post-separation abuse is when the relationship (of any sort, intimate or familial) has ended, but the abuse continues. This may be in many forms, and sometimes it is worse than it was during the relationship. This can also occur without prior, or minimal, abuse while within the relationship.

For perpetrators, this is a way for them to regain control and exert power. This is particularly common in intimate relationships that share children, but equally, it occurs in those without. It can also occur between family members and even toxic friendships. It doesn’t occur after all abusive relationships; if it doesn’t, then you are one of the lucky ones.

What does it involve?

• Violence or threat of violence to either victim or their children/friends/family

  The perpetrator may threaten you or anyone around you with violence, or they may be violent. Homicide is much more likely to occur after the ending of relationships. They may also destroy or damage your property.

  
  

• Constant unwanted contact

  They may try to contact you, or anyone close to you, in various ways even if you have blocked them from doing so. They may use private or new numbers or fake social media accounts or email addresses.

  
  

• Intimidation, stalking, harassment, monitoring

  They may stalk you at home, other places they know you will be, and on social media. They might sit outside your property or place of work or family and friends, and/or drive past or drive around your local area. They may follow you or monitor you by using tracking or listening devices or have secret access to your phone, banking, or social media to stalk you.

  
  

• Financial abuse

  They may restrict your access to your own or joint incomes, savings, and investments, including preventing the sale of properties you jointly own. They may refuse or prevent you from obtaining a divorce. They may take out loans or credit cards in your name or refuse to pay previous debts. They may withhold child maintenance or alternatively use it as a bargaining tool to prevent or allow you child contact.

  
  

• Abuse through family court

  They may abuse you through the family court system by repeatedly making applications for child contact or other protective orders, even if you have your own in place. They may not adhere to the conditions set during proceedings and instead use the system to make repeated false accusations, forcing you to relive the abuse when defending yourself in court and in statements. They may also financially abuse you in this process if they know that you cannot afford legal representation. They may also accuse you of parental alienation even if this is what they are doing themselves.

  
  

• Repeated false accusations/economic abuse/isolation

  They may make false allegations about you to the police to seek criminal charges, or to your place of work or education. This may result in loss of job, education, and/or future employment possibilities. They may also do the same to your friends or family or mutual friends to further isolate you.

• Abuse of children

• They may be neglectful or abusive towards the children when in their care or use manipulation to befriend and gain compliance from the children. They may deny or limit access for child contact with the safe parent and their family. They may deny or restrict a child’s access to medical treatment, or activities, holidays, or friendships. They may question the child for information about you.

  
  

• Abuse through child contact

  They may use pick-up or drop-off times to abuse you verbally and physically. They may not turn up for contact or try to make last-minute changes but not allow you to do the same, even in emergency situations. They may use the contact you do have with them regarding the children to harass you. They may question or criticize you on decisions made for the children. They may ask children to pass on messages or speak with them about things they know the child will repeat back to you.

• Public discrediting

  They will seek to discredit you to not only your friends and family but anyone that will listen, and some may well do that very publicly.

  
  

• Revenge porn They may share, or threaten to share, private or sexual materials of you online or with others. This may well be things that you have not consented to.

  
  

Post-separation abuse can involve all the usual acts of abuse and, of course, those mentioned above, and they may also enlist the help of others to do so, particularly if you have protection orders in place to prevent them from contacting you directly.

It can be incredibly draining and traumatizing. My advice would be:

• Go completely no contact where possible, change all methods of contact, and block their accounts. You may wish to consider changing all passwords too.

• If you are co-parenting, use the grey rock method.

• Seek protection orders; remember you can obtain these without police intervention (see legal protection).

• Report them and their behavior to the police; many of these acts are criminal, and you do not have to manage this alone.

• Seek support from local services.

• Focus on your healing; remember that you do not need to justify or defend yourself to anyone.