Safely maintaining necessary contact with an abuser.
Sometimes it isn't possible to go no contact with your abuser; this may be due to sharing children or during divorce/financial remedy proceedings. Practicing grey rock communication with your abuser can help you manage.
What is grey rock?
When you think of a grey rock, it is pretty boring and unstimulating, right? That is exactly what we are looking for here.
Abusers want attention, they love it and they thrive on it! They want to be able to control your emotions. They also have absolutely no respect or understanding of boundaries. You may have left the relationship and created physical distance from this person, but they will continue to try and pull you into the cycle of abuse.
Grey rock is about maintaining a method of communication with as many boundaries as possible. It is plain, it is boring, it is factual and unemotional.
It is incredibly difficult to communicate with someone who has abused you without becoming flooded with emotion and a need to defend yourself.
Let's look at an example!
Abuser - "You make everything so difficult. Always playing the victim and trying to make my life hell. I told you that these forms needed to be done and you can't be bothered."
You - "Why are you being like this? You never told me what I needed to do. I can't read your mind. You need to communicate with me."
Above is an emotional response. It is defensive and gives the abuser more to work with. They can pick apart what you say and try to gaslight you.
A grey rock response would look like...
You - "I will complete those forms today."
Short, simple, unemotional.
(Also, I am aware it's a pretty crap example, but I'm not out here trying to trigger anyone.)
Now that's not to say you won't get further responses from them that are abusive, you just aren't giving them anything else to go on. Only respond to what you need to, comment on facts, and if it's just a load of sh*t, don't reply. Let them carry on doing their keyboard warrior thing and chuckle at the thought of how much effort they put into it.
You might be thinking "Yeah, that's easy to say, but it's hard not to defend myself." And you would be correct, it is hard and I've been there. But, when you defend yourself, you are giving them power over your emotions!
Take. back. control.
By responding this way, you are sending a clear message that you are not bothered. They are insignificant to your life and their words don't affect you. Do you know how powerful that is?
And do you know what the best bit of this is? THEY HATE IT. ;)