The 'why' to going no-contact with your abuser.
When you leave an abusive and unhealthy relationship of any kind, it can be really difficult. As you start to process what you’ve been through, you’ll likely have unanswered questions. You’ll want to know why they did it, you’ll want to know if you did anything wrong, you may feel completely and utterly distraught and want to tell them this. You may want to reconcile; you may want to defend yourself (particularly if you are experiencing post-separation abuse), and actually, you may, in fact, just want to tell them that they are an asshole.
But honestly? They do not care.
They don’t care if you are hurt, sad, or angry. If they did, they wouldn’t have abused you in the first place.
In these situations, perpetrators will either discard you completely (cut you out of their life, many of us pray for this) and move on to the next victim, or they will just keep trying to get you back at any given opportunity. No contact is the best method in either situation for you to heal and protect yourself as best as you can against further abuse.
Why is it so important?
The no contact rule is not to seek revenge or to punish the perpetrator; it is about protecting yourself and taking back control.
If you have a relationship (of any kind) with someone who is abusive or has been abusive, the best thing you can do for yourself is to cut them off completely. This is a person/persons who at one stage have had complete control over you, someone who knows you incredibly well and knows your insecurities and your weak spots. You cannot have a healthy, positive relationship with this person at any level because that person will continue to abuse you for as long as you remain available for them too.
YOU are vulnerable around them, no matter how much you want to believe that you aren’t. When you have experienced an unbalanced power dynamic with someone like this, it is very easy to slip back into the victim role because it is familiar to you, albeit subconsciously. These perpetrators hold master’s degrees in manipulation and coercion, and unless you’ve been discarded, they will try anything to get you back into that cycle (see cycle of abuse).
How do I do it?
By being a savage mf.
Once you have made this decision, it has to be all or nothing forever. If you slip just a teeny bit, you are at risk again.
You can:
Block and delete them on all electronic devices/social media
Change your contact details, i.e., phone number/email address
Change all passwords
Block their family/friends/mutual friends
Please remember that if they have access to any of your personal information, they may also be able to see your location too. You may wish to turn location settings off on certain apps/social media. If you are concerned that this person may be stalking you, visit ‘stalking’.
You cannot have ANY contact with them, or you are putting yourself at risk. You may also seek to encourage your family/friends to block them, as it’s likely if they are trying to get you back, they will attempt to contact them too.
They don’t care if you are hurt, sad, or angry. If they did, they wouldn’t have abused you in the first place.
In these situations, perpetrators will either discard you completely (cut you out of their life, many of us pray for this) and move on to the next victim, or they will just keep trying to get you back at any given opportunity. No contact is the best method in either situation for you to heal and protect yourself as best as you can against further abuse.
Why is it so important?
The no contact rule is not to seek revenge or to punish the perpetrator; it is about protecting yourself and taking back control.
If you have a relationship (of any kind) with someone who is abusive or has been abusive, the best thing you can do for yourself is to cut them off completely. This is a person/persons who at one stage have had complete control over you, someone who knows you incredibly well and knows your insecurities and your weak spots. You cannot have a healthy, positive relationship with this person at any level because that person will continue to abuse you for as long as you remain available for them too.
YOU are vulnerable around them, no matter how much you want to believe that you aren’t. When you have experienced an unbalanced power dynamic with someone like this, it is very easy to slip back into the victim role because it is familiar to you, albeit subconsciously. These perpetrators hold master’s degrees in manipulation and coercion, and unless you’ve been discarded, they will try anything to get you back into that cycle (see cycle of abuse).