Psychological abuse

What is it?

Psychological abuse is like a silent killer, it is the things you don't obviously 'see' and in my personal opinion, the one that does the most damage of them all. Psychological abuse makes you question your whole sense of reality and way of thinking, here are some examples.

I believe this is the one form of abuse that is present in all cases of domestic abuse/abuse in general. It isn’t as easy to spot as emotional abuse, it is sneaky and sinister.

What does it look like?

Gaslighting

Perpetrators will gaslight you (the ultimate weapon of manipulation) and the purpose of this is to make you doubt your own sense of reality, trust in yourself, your way of thinking and your memory. They may do this by denying their behaviour, even if there is concrete evidence of them doing so, or pretending it never happened. They may tell you a different version of what happened or minimise it to make it seem like it wasn't that bad.

They may tell you that you are abusive or mentally unstable, this may include telling you that other people think this too. They may blame you for the abuse and shift all accountability onto you. They may also withhold or twist information, for instance telling you that they asked you to do something when they didn’t, then blaming you for forgetting.

Reactive abuse is also a form of gaslighting, they will provoke you with physical/emotional abuse to get a reaction from you, they may even try to make you jealous, and this is all so they can turn it around and say

Perpetrators may ‘punish’ you by withholding affection and giving you the silent treatment (in the end I absolutely enjoyed my silent treatment!) Alternatively, they may rant at you for hours and hours on end. Sleep deprivation is also extremely common, they may start arguments late at night to prevent you from sleeping, they may not allow sleep at all, or they may wake you (sometimes by physical force) intermittently throughout the night or as soon as you start to fall asleep. Sleep deprivation can be so damaging to your body physically and mentally, leaving you incapable of completing the simplest of daily tasks.

Isolation

The perpetrator will try to isolate you from your family, friends, your workplace and just your general social circle. Sometimes it is done obviously i.e., “You can’t see this person” or “You can’t do this” but is often slow and subtle. They may make judgements about the people you love; they may say that they aren’t good for you, or they don’t care about you, even saying that they’ve spoken about you behind your back. They may create arguments before or after you spend time with them, in the end this leads to you not bothering at all because you know what it leads to.

Stalking

They may monitor you and not allow you to leave the house without them, in extreme cases some victims are locked in rooms or small spaces for long periods of time. CCTV, ring doorbells, dashcams, mobile tracking apps and general tracking devices are often used too as a way of constantly tracking your movements. Perpetrators may ring/text you continuously to see where you are and what you are doing. They may ask for pictures for proof or video call you. They may time you if you go out and GOD FORBID you don’t answer the phone the first time.

Coercive control

Abusers will seek to control every aspect of your life from how you dress, what you eat, where you go and who you see. Sometimes this can be obvious but most of the time it is done subtly, this is coercive control. They may make comments or change their behaviour before you do something or go somewhere. They may start an arguement before you leave or they may make comments like -

These comments or behaviour lead you to eventually alter your own behaviour to avoid conflict or a reaction from the abuser. You will make choices to appease them. Though most often you'll find that that's also not good enough, but it is part of the ever changing rules of the game I'm afraid.

And this is why the criminal charge of coercive and control is so difficult to prove, it’s quite rare this control is seen so obviously.

Psychological abuse is consuming and confusing for the victim, it is debilitating and a constant attack on your mind. You live only in survival mode. This type of abuse leaves you a mere shell of the person you once were, you no longer trust yourself or others, you completely disregard your gut feelings and feel as though you have lost all control of your own mind (which is precisely what it is designed to do). Your reality is distorted and honestly it feels like you are living in a completely different world.

The truth is you have absolutely no idea who YOU are anymore.