Coercive Control

What is it?

Coercive control is at the very heart of Domestic Abuse.

Every type of abuse and every tactic used is a form of coercive control. It enables an abuser to have control over another person, and control is power.

When you think of controlling another, you may think of it as being very literal. Someone telling you that you must do something or you can't do something, but this is actually quite rare. Believe it or not, in some areas, abusers are pretty clever. They can get you to change your behavior, your lifestyle, your support network, your goals, and just about everything in your life without you even realizing.

What does it look like?

Restricting
Pressuring
Exploiting
Punishing
Threatening
Monitoring
Isolating
Gaslighting

Let's look at some examples

Example 1 - You are going out, this might be to work or out with friends. Your abuser says nothing about how you look, there are no issues.

A while later during an argument your abuser says...

You always dress up for everyone else. Why do you wear stuff like that when you go out, are you trying to attract attention?"

So, the next time you are getting yourself ready, you remember that comment and you change the way you dress.

Example 2 - You are at work as normal and your abuser shows up unannounced. The first couple of times is ok and you get away with it, but after a few more occasions, you feel others are talking and are feeling uncomfortable. Your abuser says...

You know you don't have to work, I can take care of us financially and I see how difficult it is for you, I don't like the way they treat you.

Next thing you know, you've quit your job and are at home most of the time.

You were never told not to wear something and you were never told you couldn't work.

These are pretty simple examples, but I hope you get the idea.

Coercive control is not obvious for all to see. Now don't get me wrong, sometimes you can spot it a mile off, but most of the time it is done very slowly and subtly, at least to begin with anyway.

It is designed to take away your personal sense of autonomy and involves a pattern of negative reinforcement. If you do this, there is a consequence. And so you change your behavior to avoid said consequence in the future.

I hope this has given you an insight into how abusers control.