And why you must take care when planning to leave.
Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for a victim.
This is because the abuser looses control. And control to this type of person is EVERYTHING.
You may be thinking "Well, they always tell me to leave or that they want me gone" but that's just something they say. Truth is, if they are sticking around it's because they have the perfect victim. So why would they leave?
When you decide to leave (and this could be leaving a property, ending a relationship or stopping contact depending on your situation), you are making a choice. A conscious decision to enforce your boundary, thus taking back control of yourself and your autonomy. And until this point they've had control of this.
For whatever reasons in their past they have to be in control of everything all the time. When someone decides to take that control from them, they cannot stand it.
An abuser who has lost control is incredibly dangerous, and at this point your risk level of serious harm or homocide significantly increases. If you have left your abuser in the past 12 months, this is considered a high risk factor.
I would encourage you to not give any indication of plans/thoughts of leaving to an abuser until you are safe. I would then encourage you to continue having safety measures in place for some time.
Please note that the absence of physical abuse does not mean you are at a lower risk of serious harm, in fact a significant proportion of domestic homicides take place when there has been no physical abuse within the relationship.
I don't say this to scare anyone or for shock factor, but you must understand the seriousness for your own safety and others close to you.
Please see "safety planning" for more advice on creating a safe way to leave. And as always reach out for support from statutory organisations and local DA support.
Stay safe x