What makes a healthy relationship?

So what is a healthy relationship you might ask?

If you've experiened an abusive relationship then it can be difficult to know what's normal, what's acceptable and what isn't. There are many aspects to a good and happy relationship but I want to share some of the key things I believe are the most important and should absolutely be present.

I will base this mainly on a intimate relationship, but it will also be relevant to familial relationships and even friendships.

Respect

Respect for me is pretty much number 1, if you don't have that then you have nothing. We are all different and even if you are very similar people, there will always be differences. Respect comes in many forms, not only should there be basic respect for that other person simply being a human being but also respect for their thoughts, feelings, opinions and importantly, their boundaries. Sometimes you might not agree or even like these things, but you must be respectful towards them.

Respect is communicated and shown through behaviour, it should be upheld throughout any situation. Respect is always unconditional.

We should never be made to feel bad or uncomfortable for being ourselves, your partner should encourage it.

Trust

Many people think of trust as two individuals trusting their partner to be faithful, but that is just one very small part of it, there are many elements to trust within a relationship. And let me just be clear about that one element in that it does not have to be earned. You should not be spending your relationship trying to reassure your parnter that you won't cheat, this is not healthy. If they have trust/loyalty issues then it is a THEM problem, not a you problem and vice versa.

You should be able to trust your partner with your feelings, this means being able to be open and completely vulnerable. I personally believe this is the hardest element of trust post-abuse and in general, it does takes time to build. Whilst being vulnerable is uncomfortable, it is such an important part of a relationship if you wish that person to see the real you and if you wish to love someone and be loved. Emotional intimacy NEEDS vulnerability from both sides.

You also need to be able to trust in that person to support you through good times and bad times. It may be supporting you with simple things like a job interview or a new hobbie, but also in more life changing events like illness or pregnancy.

You have to trust that that person will always support you, be loyal to you, hold your feelings and emotions for you and with you, that is real trust within a relationship.

Communication

Communication within relationships is so important, it's likely that you will both have different ways in which you do so and that's ok. But see this is where respect and trust comes in, you'll have your own ways on how you like to communicate, the key to it working is if you have the trust and respect for each others preferences.

Communication is something that should always be worked on, think about how you talk about simple things and serious topics too. It may be that one of you prefers to write things down and the other likes to speak face to face, or one of you prefers texts to phonecalls, you have to communicate HOW you are going to communicate and sometimes that involves making compromises together.

Whilst this isn't always easy, you should feel comfortable enough to communicate your thoughts, feelings and boundaries to your partner in good times and bad. Open communication promotes trust and ensures that both of you feel heard and validated.

Friendship

Now this one may seem a little out of place but I do believe it holds a strong importance within an intimate relationship because with friendship comes a whole load of other things and I think your partner should also be your best friend. You should be completely comfortable around them.

If you have a great friendship with your partner then you should already have respect, trust and communication because you care for that person aside just physical attraction (also important but not the focus of this topic). Being friends with your partner brings compassion, laughter, support and encouragement. Your partner should be your no1 fan! You should want to share everything with them and vice versa, just as you would do your actual friends. If you can't go to your partner at the end of the day and want to share your day with them and hear theirs then do you even like each other at this stage? You have to like your partner to be able to love them and have a great relationship.

Conflict resolution

How you and your partner deal with conflict is a really important part of a relationship and something that should be discussed early on (see communication again!!). I don't personally believe that it's normal for healthy relationships to have frequent arguments, the odd disagreement is normal yes. For me frequent arguments may indicate issues regarding communication and needs not being met on one or both sides. However, you are 2 people who likely spend alot of time together so it is normal to have the odd disagreement or annoy each other. If you have disagreements but are able to communicate it, resolve it and move on from it, then it's a good sign that you cope well with conflict, the friendship element helps with this too!

So how do YOU resolve conflict?

If one of you prefers to shout and the other doesn't, it is simply not going to work. (Personally, I don't see any reason for partners to shout, swear or belittle each other, ever. Not acceptable in my book). If you naturally have different ways of resolving conflict it doesn't mean it can't work, it just means it'll take more work, more communication and likely some compromise on both sides. If one or both of you are unable to do that, your relationship will suffer and probably won't work.

All of these components work together and promote each other to create a deep bond. No relationship is easy or perfect, but over time these key elements should become easier and stronger and as you grow and develop, these key attributes will hold that bond togther.

So what is a healthy relationship, you might ask?

If you've experienced an abusive relationship, then it can be difficult to know what's normal, what's acceptable, and what isn't. There are many aspects to a good and happy relationship, but I want to share some of the key things I believe are the most important and should absolutely be present.

I will base this mainly on an intimate relationship, but it will also be relevant to familial relationships and even friendships.

Respect

Respect, for me, is pretty much number one; if you don't have that, then you have nothing. We are all different, and even if you are very similar people, there will always be differences. Respect comes in many forms; not only should there be basic respect for that other person simply being a human being, but also respect for their thoughts, feelings, opinions, and importantly, their boundaries. Sometimes you might not agree or even like these things, but you must be respectful towards them.

Respect is communicated and shown through behavior; it should be upheld throughout any situation. Respect is always unconditional.

We should never be made to feel bad or uncomfortable for being ourselves; your partner should encourage it.

Trust

Many people think of trust as two individuals trusting their partner to be faithful, but that is just one very small part of it; there are many elements to trust within a relationship. And let me just be clear about that one element in that it does not have to be earned. You should not be spending your relationship trying to reassure your partner that you won't cheat; this is not healthy. If they have trust/loyalty issues, then it is a THEM problem, not a you problem, and vice versa.

You should be able to trust your partner with your feelings; this means being able to be open and completely vulnerable. I personally believe this is the hardest element of trust post-abuse and in general; it does take time to build. While being vulnerable is uncomfortable, it is such an important part of a relationship if you wish that person to see the real you and if you wish to love someone and be loved. Emotional intimacy NEEDS vulnerability from both sides.

You also need to be able to trust in that person to support you through good times and bad times. It may be supporting you with simple things like a job interview or a new hobby, but also in more life-changing events like illness or pregnancy.

You have to trust that that person will always support you, be loyal to you, hold your feelings and emotions for you and with you; that is real trust within a relationship.

Communication

Communication within relationships is so important; it's likely that you will both have different ways in which you do so, and that's okay. But see, this is where respect and trust come in; you'll have your own ways of how you like to communicate. The key to it working is if you have the trust and respect for each other's preferences.

Communication is something that should always be worked on; think about how you talk about simple things and serious topics too. It may be that one of you prefers to write things down and the other likes to speak face to face, or one of you prefers texts to phone calls; you have to communicate HOW you are going to communicate, and sometimes that involves making compromises together.

While this isn't always easy, you should feel comfortable enough to communicate your thoughts, feelings, and boundaries to your partner in good times and bad. Open communication promotes trust and ensures that both of you feel heard and validated.

Friendship

Now, this one may seem a little out of place, but I do believe it holds a strong importance within an intimate relationship because with friendship comes a whole load of other things, and I think your partner should also be your best friend. You should be completely comfortable around them.

If you have a great friendship with your partner, then you should already have respect, trust, and communication because you care for that person aside from just physical attraction (also important but not the focus of this topic). Being friends with your partner brings compassion, laughter, support, and encouragement. Your partner should be your number one fan! You should want to share everything with them and vice versa, just as you would with your actual friends. If you can't go to your partner at the end of the day and want to share your day with them and hear theirs, then do you even like each other at this stage? You have to like your partner to be able to love them and have a great relationship.

Conflict resolution

How you and your partner deal with conflict is a really important part of a relationship and something that should be discussed early on (see communication again!!). I don't personally believe that it's normal for healthy relationships to have frequent arguments; the odd disagreement is normal, yes. For me, frequent arguments may indicate issues regarding communication and needs not being met on one or both sides. However, you are two people who likely spend a lot of time together, so it is normal to have the odd disagreement or annoy each other. If you have disagreements but are able to communicate it, resolve it, and move on from it, then it's a good sign that you cope well with conflict; the friendship element helps with this too!

So how do YOU resolve conflict?

If one of you prefers to shout and the other doesn't, it is simply not going to work. (Personally, I don't see any reason for partners to shout, swear, or belittle each other, ever. Not acceptable in my book). If you naturally have different ways of resolving conflict, it doesn't mean it can't work; it just means it'll take more work, more communication, and likely some compromise on both sides. If one or both of you are unable to do that, your relationship will suffer and probably won't work.

All of these components work together and promote each other to create a deep bond. No relationship is easy or perfect, but over time these key elements should become easier and stronger, and as you grow and develop, these key attributes will hold that bond together.