How does it begin? Part 2.

After the initial love bomb/honeymoon period is when the perpetrator's real self, and subsequent motives, become visible, and you start to see cracks in their ‘perfect’ facade. For most, this is when the jealousy becomes extreme, and the isolation begins; the perpetrator has you hooked, but now they’ve got to keep hold of you.

The reason that perpetrators try to isolate their victim is so they have no support from anyone else and no one to question their actions or behavior. You won’t do that because you’ve been sucked into their bubble, but they know that not everyone will be fooled (ever noticed they only ‘like’ specific people around you? Noticeably the ones who don’t question them!) They also know if you believe that they are the only person who supports and cares for you, that you won’t think you need anyone else and as such become emotionally dependent on only them.

They will use gaslighting (see 'psychological abuse' for more on this) to make you think your friends and family are bad for you. The love bombing takes up all your time and attention, and so you become solely focused on them, blissfully unaware that you are entering into the cycle of doom (see cycle of abuse for more info). They may make nasty comments about your loved ones, say they are bad influences on you, and they may even push you to become closer to their loved ones (individuals they already have control and influence over). They will completely discredit and attack anyone who seeks to call them out.

They use jealousy as a weapon of control; it also aids with the isolation. They may become stroppy when you want to do things without them, they may seem possessive when you are out with them (ever notice pure rage if another person dared to look at you?) and may start to comment on the way you dress, act, how you carry yourself, and even how you present yourself on social media, etc.

So, you start to avoid certain friends, family members, social events, hairstyles, clothes, and situations because you think, oh, it’s just not worth it. They may also start to track and monitor your movements and become angry/jealous if you don’t respond to their phone calls or texts straight away.

Isolation continues with commitments, i.e., moving in together, children, and marriage.

If you live together, they can do what they want without anyone interfering; you’ve got no safe space to run to, and it’s usually a financial tie too. Children mean you are bound to them for life; they are a bargaining tool for the perpetrator and a way of making clones of themselves. They know that good people will do anything for their children, which includes trying to keep your family together at all costs, and if you are a woman, you are incredibly vulnerable during pregnancy (this is a factor in the DASH risk assessment).

And marriage, well, it’s harder to get divorced than it is to get married! Again, this means financial ties and often social/cultural/religious ties too, as divorce is highly frowned upon in some families/cultures/communities. All these commitments make it increasingly difficult for you to escape, which is why they move so quickly into them.

The varying types of abuse have now likely started, and you have officially entered the cycle. Sometimes it can be sudden, but often it’s slow. As said in the cycle of abuse section, it is more common for the calm/honeymoon phases to be longer in the beginning; they often flash back to the nice, loving person you believe you fell for, as these glimmers give you hope.

In my experience, physical, emotional, sexual, and financial abuse starts at around 3-6 months in (psychological, I believe, is from the get-go, as does honor-based), and these gradually get worse and more serious as the relationship continues.