How does it begin? Part 1.

In relationship perpetrators don’t start off abusive, I mean why would they? Most of us would run a mile if they did, and they know it. Firstly, let’s examine why they choose the people they choose.

Many perpetrators of abuse have no or little self-worth (though it does seem otherwise it’s all an act, especially those more narcissistic) and so they tend to choose victims who either have what they want i.e. good looks, kind personality, money, good career, hard worker, you know the trophy token on their arm kinda thing OR those who are vulnerable, or both.

Not everyone who is a victim of domestic abuse is vulnerable, and anyone can fall into the trap (unless they are an absolute pro at spotting it, which is rare). Basically, you’ve been chosen because you are bloody fabulous in my opinion. And yes, they specifically ‘choose’ their victims, they search for them and hunt them like prey.

So, what are the first warning signs or red flags?

• Love bombing

• Mirroring

• Moving too quickly

• Pressure to commit/say ‘I love you’

• Jealousy

• Speaking badly of ex-partners

• Being too good to be true

Once chosen most will begin the love bomb phase. This is where you are swept off your feet by this sweet, loving, charismatic person! Some will be quite forthcoming and try to chat you up like any normal person but not all of them will be in your face, they might be quite mysterious and simply ‘show up’ at certain times and places (they may have been stalking you for some time) they might even seem unavailable, but one way or another whatever they do they do it to grab your attention. And then you find yourself showered in attention, affection, love, promises of a bright future and sometimes gifts; you just cannot believe that they are real. They mirror you by sharing the same interests, having the same views, outlooks and future goals.

So, you can find yourself in this blissfully happy and romantic atmosphere and it’s you two against the world. Noone has ever ‘got’ you before, they make you feel special. Equally, you may not even be sure of how you feel, you might not feel those things but the problem is that it moves too quickly for you to even think, let alone question it. They might introduce you to their friends and family and want to spend all their time with you, they say those 3 magical words and start to talk about co-habiting, marriage and children. And when I say it happens quickly, I mean within days or weeks. You may feel an intense pressure to reciprocate feelings or phrases. They may speak of ex-partners in derogatory language “They were a psychopath” “They took my children away” equally, they may be very vague, and you may find that they speak badly of people in general including their family.

Showing signs of jealousy can be an early indicator, they may make comments if you have friends of the opposite sex/gender. They may seem put out by you going out and they may start to show up unexpectedly or offer you lifts to and from places, this may come with a ‘worried or protective’ stance (but this is bullshit).

But what you don’t realise is that you are at the very top of a rollercoaster that’s about to start racing down…

I’d like to also point out (in case you are now panicking reading this) that some of these things in small doses can be perfectly normal at the beginning of a new relationship and are normal. Of course, you want to spend all your time with them, introduce them to your friends/family or speak lightly about future topics. I also believe that you can fall in real, genuine love quickly, the difference is that it will be reciprocated equally, without pressure and with respect. They will only be red flags if extreme. Most importantly of all, it will feel comfortable. Most survivors of abuse will tell you that something felt wrong in their gut very early on, but they chose to ignore it, real love doesn’t feel that way.

I bet you can tell what I am about to say right? Trust your gut. Always.

To continue on the rollercoaster head to 'how it begins, part 2'